Love Relationships

(-- anonymous -- <>/164059) This is Married w/ Crush>

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 11:50:14 -0600

This is Married w/ Crush>
Crush is not married or dating anyone that I know of. I didn't say if Crush was
a him or her, but I'm sick of playing the pronoun game so for the sake of
convenience, let's just say "him".
He's...I don't know if he's aware of my feelings. We got drunk, shortly before
Christmas, and I don't remember much. What I do remember was a lot of heavy
flirting and him telling me that he was attracted to me. It's possible I said
the feeling was mutual.  We haven't spoken of it. We've seen each other since
then and it's been friendly. I've noticed he gets flirtier when my spouse isn't
around and when he's had a few drinks.
I've felt him kind of pull away a bit from me recently - so I've been trying to
follow suit. It's not easy - I like him a lot as a person, we have easy
conversations and quite a few things in common.
His birthday party is on Friday, and I don't think I'm going to go. I doubt
I'll be missed, since 50 people have RSVPed to a big bar party type thing.
I don't know what to do except just avoid him. I'm not sure if talking to him
about it will make things better or worse.
As for finding annoying things about him, well I'm sure they're there. I've
also said before, Crush is not really my physical type (which makes everythign
all the more odd).  I'd have to see him more in order to find REALLY annoying
things about him, which could backfire.  :(

(-- anonymous -- <>/164058) Is this crush mutual or one-sided?

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 15:50:13 -0600


Is this crush mutual or one-sided?

Is crush married? Focus on the fact that he already has a main squeeze in his
life. This helped me out greatly when I went through, not a crush per se, but a
"dalliance of the heart" a few years ago.

Is crush aware of your interest? If yes, how does he feel? Also focus that your
feelings may be unrequited if he's not feeling the same toward you and you
could possibly mess up what you DO have.

Speaking from a personal experience, you might want to cut contact if possible
and try your best to stop following him on FB. At the same time, focus on your
spouse. When I was single, I let an unrequited crush get out of control and
lead to some very hurt feelings on my side. 10 years later I still feel the
pain and thoughts of her/him come to mind everyday.

(DesCartes/164055) Everybody has bad habits. Focus on those of your Crush, and it m...

DesCartes@rss.iscabbs.com — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 10:53:00 -0600

Everybody has bad habits. Focus on those of your Crush, and it may help
mitigate any feelings.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164054) Married with a crush anon from awhile ago.

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 10:40:13 -0600

Married with a crush anon from awhile ago.
So....I've been trying really hard to get over this.  It hasn't been easy. 
I've been trying to drastically limit the amount of face-to-face time we have.
It helps that the crush was on vacation for the past 10 days, so the Facebook
updates have slowed down (crush is a Facebook junkie).  But now Crush is back,
and I'm doing the obsessing over their comments, etc. again.  Between that and
my imagination, everything is starting to hurt again.
Spouse and I have just started trying to have a baby, and I feel terrible that
during a time in my life that I should be totally involved with Spouse, I'm
often thinking about Crush.
I don't know what's wrong with me.  This is awful.  I'm not a terrible person,
but I feel like I am.

(Cenatour/164053) questioning ex> if you let this person back in your life you are...

Cenatour@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 19:03:00 -0600

questioning ex> if you let this person back in your life you are an idiot.
plain and simple.  he does not sound like a good guy and if you allow this
person to come in your life AGAIN simply because you are curious as to why he
is contacting you then you deserve the abuse that is coming your way!!

(Cold Fusion/164052) I guess if my wife is resentful of moving to the location where ...

Cold Fusion@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 14:44:00 -0600

I guess if my wife is resentful of moving to the location where we are now
(because she has openly admitted if she didn't meet me, she would have moved
back home with her parents), then I guess ending it will help some things
becuase it will allow her to go on with her life and the direction she wants to
go while I go on with mine.

It has been interesting because on her mom's side of the family, the aunts and
uncles and nieces and nephews always felt her mom was beat down by her father
and from the outside looking in, it definitely looks that way.  At the same
time, I also see how her mom is and if her father didn't push to do things,
things would have never gotten done.

I don't totally agree with you anon on some stuff though.  If you hold
resentment towards your husband because of where you live and you knew that was
in the cards from the start, you were also part of that choice to be there. 
Just like my situation, both people in the party play a part of the situation
and holding resentment towards the other becuase you didn't get something, to
me, means that the relationship is already in dire straits.  Just like mine...I
am guilty of a lot of the issues that my wife and I have and I know that.  I
have also spent 8 years working on changing myself and trying to talk to her
about our relationship and what we can do to make it better.

My wife has said that she isn't going to put effort into it and I kept trying
for a long time in hopes of changing her mind.  I realize now that I can't
change her (nor should I) and if she feels that things are worth it, she will
either change on her own or communicate what she needs to make this work or a
combination of both.  The thing is her effort not only doesn't work in our
relationship, but it is hurting her in her relationship with the kids, she has
no friends other than the ones I have introduced her to and I know, and her job
has openly put on her reviews that she refuses to change and it hurts her
performance and raises there as well.

The thing is that it is always someone else's fault for why there is failure
and unfortunately until she can realistically look at herself (both good and
bad) and look to improve the bad and utilize her good points, her situation
isn't going to get better.  I do want her to be happy and unfortunately right
now, the energy I have to put into her takes away from the kids and if i am not
around she does focus on the kids more so there seems to be a benefit from the
direction I am headed.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164051) CF> I totally understand your frustration with this and feeling ...

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 13:00:17 -0600

CF> I totally understand your frustration with this and feeling of impasse, and
I also can feel for the situation from your wife's point of view and the lack
of motivation.  We do not have a dissimilar dynamic here in our marriage, and
can sort of speak from both sides.  I am resentful against my spouse for where
we live because they chose this place, all under the pretext we "wouldn't be
here long".  Over a dozen years later we're still here.  I understand perfectly
being at the mercy of the economy and the 'beggars can't be choosers' logic,
but we are not beggars either.  There is a certain quality of life I feel has
been taken from me and I hold that against my spouse.  They are also (like your
wife) completely unable to sit down, engage in a long and thoughtful discussion
and give you feedback where you feel you're not there talking to yourself. 
That's where I feel like you, though this is limited to those attempts on my
part to have one of those difficult conversations.  Being here, I have steadily
lost all motivation to do ANYTHING, so I feel for your wife, and the whole
cycle of being beat down, stuck and just unable to get moving.  I also do not
feel the need to be extra nice, try to have a family life and cooperate with
them where I don't HAVE to, and am generally withdrawing out of things.  We
also have kids, and try to keep semblance of normalcy anywhere we can.  There
is no tangibly wrong thing, but it is less than pleasant.

(Cold Fusion/164050) So the latest thing with my relationship:

Cold Fusion@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 11:44:00 -0600

So the latest thing with my relationship:

My parents have noticed now a difference in my wife (and not a good one).  I
haven't told them anything about the situation and they have said they have
noticed my wife getting less and less enthused to do anything and she just
wants to sit and not do anything.

Since my last talk with her, nothing has changed.  She hasn't said a word about
our conversation, hasn't added anything that could help our situation, and it
is pretty much the status quo.  I wasn't expecting anything but yet I was kind
of hoping she would at least try or put up some sort of effort.  I guess it is
time for another conversation at the end of this month.

The sad thing is I don't see this getting better.  I have spent the better
portion of 8 years trying to keep things fun, wanting to make this work, and at
the same time seemingly doing this alone.  Sorry, just a bit down today about
it.  While I wanted this to succeed, I guess at this point I just want it over
so I can go on with my life and be able to focus more on the kids and not have
to worry about dealing with her.

Sad huh?

(King Action/164049) Questioning Ex> I agree with everything that's been said here.

King Action@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 10:31:00 -0600


Questioning Ex> I agree with everything that's been said here.

(Karma Police/164048) Just because someone gets married doesn't mean that they erase t...

Karma Police@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 09:36:00 -0600

Just because someone gets married doesn't mean that they erase the memories of
everyone they've ever dated before they got married.  Also, married people
reach out to exes and old friends all the time - Facebook, LinkedIn, etc. make
that easy.  Sometimes it means they are restless and bored with their marriage,
but most of the time it just means they were wondering how you are doing.
-
I'm married. I still keep in contact with some of my exes.  Of course, I
wouldn't do that with an ex that I thought was abusive to me.  It sounds like
this guy might have just wanted to apologize to you and maybe make amends.  You
can choose to accept it, ignore it, stay in contact, or ask him to stop
contacting you - whatever you feel comfortable with.  But don't assume that
NO married person would ever want to contact an ex if they were truly happy.

(SilverEdge/164047) Ignore him. Block him. Hes not worth your time, your concern, ...

SilverEdge@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 09:34:00 -0600

Ignore him.  Block him.  Hes not worth your time, your concern, or any
emotional distress it is now causing you.  He is not worth it.  Nor is
consideration of his motives.  Either just ignoring him, or if you feel you
must, a simple "I closed the book on you years ago.  I've moved on.  Please do
not contact me again."  Then block him.  Done.

(Sraosa/164046) From experience: leave it alone. You're married. He shouldn't ...

Sraosa@rss.iscabbs.com — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 12:52:00 -0600

From experience: leave it alone.  You're married.  He shouldn't mean anything
to you anymore.  Unless you're looking to manufacture drama in your life, just
ignore him.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164045) LOL I find it doubtful that he is in a 12 step program. I think ...

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 12:10:13 -0600

LOL I find it doubtful that he is in a 12 step program. I think it is more in
lines with Sraosa that he is just an ass looking to see how I would react. Why
else would he want to have lunch.  So he could critize me and go out about shit
I already spoke to my husband about all of this and it has really gotten to me.
Maybe this is God's way of helping me deal with the emotional shit that he put
me through and to move on with my life.
Wondering if others have gone through this and how they handled it.

~question ex

(Sraosa/164044) Or he's just an ass who has no real reason for contacting you ot...

Sraosa@rss.iscabbs.com — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 11:42:00 -0600

Or he's just an ass who has no real reason for contacting you other than to see
how you'd react.

(WORF/164043) Perhaps he's entered a 12 step program and is at the point of ma...

WORF@rss.iscabbs.com — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 11:41:00 -0600


Perhaps he's entered a 12 step program and is at the point of making amends to
all those he has wronged.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164042) Cenatour> I think I am looking for some sort of closure. But wha...

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 10:50:13 -0600

Cenatour> I think I am looking for some sort of closure. But what really gets
to me is Why does he feel the need to contact me.  He is married now has kids.
He barely said sorry to me when I brought up how crappy he treated me. I
have had a hard time over the years because of how he mistreated me.  He hasn't
contacted me again since Friday.  He said that we should talk on the phone
sometime but I haven't heard a word sense.  I really think I am just looking
for approval again or something.  I don't know but this is just not settling
well with me.
~questioning ex

(Cenatour/164041) muy question to the anon poster is why are you interested? if t...

Cenatour@rss.iscabbs.com — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 20:35:00 -0600

muy question to the anon poster is why are you interested?  if the guy was
abusive and you are rid of him why go back....you need to look at yourself
before you start asking questions about him

(Artemis/164040) Why not ask him? Maybe he's just curious how you are. Maybe he i...

Artemis@rss.iscabbs.com — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 09:34:00 -0600

Why not ask him? Maybe he's just curious how you are. Maybe he is ready to
apologize. I had an ex bf (who I dated for a whole 9 months...in high school)
find me on FB 15 years later to apologize for being a jerk (he dumped me for
someone else). I had another ex contact me to tell me that since I broke up
with him, he became a sniper and it motivated his entire military career. That
was a big creepy. I am good friends with a couple of my exes, one of them whom
was my first boyfriend in 8th grade. The only way you'll find out is to keep
contact, or to ask.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164039) I recently got in contact with my ex-bf. We were together for a...

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 09:20:13 -0600

I recently got in contact with my ex-bf.  We were together for about 6 years. 
We haven't been in contact until just recently through the internet.  My
question is why would an ex get in contact with you when they seem happy in
their marriage of three years and have a couple of kids and been with the same
person for 10 years total.  He wasn't all that great to me. Kinda abusive.  I
did find out that he saw my Dad out and about and asked how I was and my Dad
wouldn't answer him.  I explained to him that my Dad didn't like him because
the way he treated me.  He confess that 98% of it was his wrong doing and he
had nothing but good things to say to me.
My question is why on earth would he want to get in contact with me?

~question ex

(Chappy/164038) GET YOUR DIVORCE PERSON A DICK IN A BOX!

Chappy@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 08:10:00 -0600


GET YOUR DIVORCE PERSON A DICK IN A BOX!

(Sparky/164037) Wait a minute... he hasn't "made up his mind", keeping you in su...

Sparky@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 05:47:00 -0600

Wait a minute... he hasn't "made up his mind", keeping you in suspense by
hanging your marriage in the balance, and you're still pondering V-Day
presents?  If someone has already so visibly demonstrated his lukewarm feelings
I would be worrying more about saving myself.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164036) after a brief talk last night, my husband said he hasn't made up...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 02:00:14 -0600

after a brief talk last night, my husband said he hasn't made up his mind, for
sure, yet, about a divorce, so we're on really shaky ground, but not done in
yet. I know, just cuz of our finances, that valentines gifts will be small, if
any (most years was just a card and maybe small gift, usually not even
wrapped). I think I won't let it pass without a small gift, but probably focus
more on a gesture that, whether he appreciates it or not, really needed to be
done anyway (we're--well, I--am cleaning the house, getting rid of a bunch of
stuff, doing otns of laundry to figure out wha tto give away and keep because
we are facing foreclosure and in the middle of a bankruptcy) so we'll be moving
soon.

(Sraosa/164035) To the woman unsure what to do for Valentine's...be careful you'...

Sraosa@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 17:20:00 -0600

To the woman unsure what to do for Valentine's...be careful you're not sending
mixed signals.  My husband gave me a gift costing over $300 total for
Valentine's Day, and three months later asked for a divorce, so...just tread
carefully.

(Artemis/164034) It could be anything. Perhaps she feels bad because she isn't pl...

Artemis@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 13:58:00 -0600

It could be anything. Perhaps she feels bad because she isn't planning on
spending that much on you for Valentine's. Do you normally buy her gifts such
as that for VDay or is it an exception? My husband and I don't celebrate VDday.
So if out of the blue he tried to buy me a $200 gift, I'd be a bit
flabbergasted, even if we could afford it. Perhaps she is wondering if
accepting it obligates her to something she's unsure of because of the
relationship status.

(Knightshade/164033) Perhaps knowing the relationship issues she feels guilty at the ...

Knightshade@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 05:10:00 -0600

Perhaps knowing the relationship issues she feels guilty at the idea of you
spending any decent amount of $ on her at all right now.

(SilverEdge/164032) The thing that gets me, is that it's his gift to her. He wants ...

SilverEdge@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 04:54:00 -0600

The thing that gets me, is that it's his gift to her.  He wants to make sure he
gets the right one, given the cost, so it's up to her to decide which color.
He already decided the 'what'.  CF stated that they have enough money and she
knows it.

I agree, if money was tight, or if there were budgets in place, then yeah,
double-check - which she did - but he reassured her.  Bah.  It's
so...frustrating sometimes.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164031) non-valentine here> I don't know why I picked valentine's to men...

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 04:50:13 -0600

non-valentine here> I don't know why I picked valentine's to mention gifts from
the kids because they don't usually get my spouse anything on most holidays.
Okay, the oldest likes to color handmade cards for everyone, but I think she
usually thinks of that more for other holidays, and on regular days when
whenever she feels like drawing a bit. I never really pushed or even mentioned
to the kids to give gifts--probably bad on my part, but I was used to the other
kids being too young to really get the idea. I guess it kind of came back to a
conversation I had with my spouse, okay husband (y'all thought I was the
husband, didn't ya?), that he said he doubted I loved him but didn't doubt the
kids did. I kind of thought to myself, how could they have a very strong
attachment to him because he hardly interacts with them at all unless I had a
specific appointment when I had to ask him to watch them, as if I was asking a
favor, instead of just being able to rely on my husband to watch his own kids.
After a day where he had to watch them for a little bit (hardly ever more than
2 hrs), that night, he would act like I owed him in return.

CF> I could understand how frustrating that is to have the whole rigamarole
over what should have been a straightforward gift, but my husband and I would
sometimes go through the same awkwardness over larger purchases...of course in
our case, the "gift" was something we both wanted to give ourselves and he was
basically asking my permission to spend that much. Plus we've been so strapped
for cash, any purchase over $50 probably would have had us both thinking we
coudln't afford it.

I agree--just go ahead and get the gift, wrap it up, and I'm fairly sure she'll
love it once it's a done deal (and you can have the receipt just in case). I
think she'd just love you to be decisive. If the money is not a problem, she
shouldn't feel guilty, but I don't think she would once it's done. She just
didn't want to make the decision herself. If she wants to return it later, than
I can understand how that would feel like a slap in the face, but I don't think
that will happen. (Of course in my fragile state right now, I don't know what
to believe in anymore, so take it with a grain of salt).

(Mama K/164030) Because Valentine's Day is overcommercialized and overhyped.

Mama K@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 04:11:00 -0600

Because Valentine's Day is overcommercialized and overhyped.

Duh.

(And I say this as someone who works in retail, selling gifts for all
occasions, currently hyping Valentine's Day.)

(SilverEdge/164029) CF> I concur with Miser. It frustrates me sometimes when my lad...

SilverEdge@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 04:07:00 -0600

CF> I concur with Miser.  It frustrates me sometimes when my lady tries to read
into what I'm saying.  I'm usually pretty straightforward with things.  This
had to boggle your mind.  Power to you.

Valentines Anon> I would agree that you should do whatever you normally do if
you hope to get back with them.  If that means gifts from the kids to the
other, then do that as well.

As a sidenote to everyone, I understand getting gifts from the kids on say
Christmas, the other parents birthday, mom/dad/grandparents day...but
Valentine's Day?  Why Valentine's Day?

(Miser/164028) CF>

Miser@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 03:13:00 -0600

CF>
I think what you're experiencing is pretty typical, especially with larger
purchases.  I'd just buy her the Kindle, wrap it up and give it to her on
Valentine's Day.  Make sure and wrap it yourself.  If you're no good at it
(like me) do your best.. dorky wrapping jobs are OK and can even be kinda cute
apparently.  :)

Oh yeah, and keep a gift receipt in case she decides she wants a different
color or whatnot.

(Cold Fusion/164027) So, just wanted to post more on here about how things are going.

Cold Fusion@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 15:50:00 -0600

So, just wanted to post more on here about how things are going.

For those of you following along at home, you will know what I am talking
about.

So on Monday, she woke up crying and asked me "Are you telling me we are over?"
which I have never said.  The only thing I have said is that I have tried
different things with her and I am not sure where to go at this point.  I never
said we were over so I am not sure if she is just coming to grips with what may
be eventually or what she was trying to do.

So on Tuesday, I told her that I was going to get her a Valentine's day gift
and she loves to read so I wanted to get her a Kindle.  So I took her in to get
one and let her choose which one she wanted.  And so begins the passive
aggressive nature of things...

We are looking at them and I asked which one she likes and the answer I get is
"I really don't need this."  I said I would like to get her one for Valentine's
day but if she doesn't want one, that is fine and we can figure out something
else.  I said I knew she liked to read and that we had an amazon prime account
so she can get books on there or whatever she likes.

She stood there and looked at it again I just took our youngest son and walked
around for a bit.  I came back and she was still looking at it and playing on
it.  She turns to me and says "This is just overkill."  I reiterated that I
would love to get her one but if she feels she doesn't want it, that is fine
and we can find something else.

Then I got the "We can't afford this."  She knows this isn't true so to me,
it just seems like she either wants to argue or doesn't want it.  At this
point, I am not sure what to say.   So I offer up another suggestion of "Hey,
if you want to think about it, that is cool.  If you want it, we can come back
and get it and if you don't, no problem either."

The thing is I know she wants it because she is still standing there and
playing with it and she doesn't do that much with stuff unless she really likes
it.  So I just smile and tell her that she needs to not worry about anything
and we can buy it and she can just enjoy it.  She then says she doesn't want it
and walks on.  I figure I am not going to argue so we look at the video games
and go.  On the way to get our other son from his activity, she tells me that
should have loved one but felt like she really couldn't get it because I would
get mad.  ????????

I don't get it....

(Sparky/164026) No. YOu won't have to field that kind of anticipated recriminat...

Sparky@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 14:03:00 -0600

No.  YOu won't have to field that kind of anticipated recrimination, nor should
you.  Just ignore V-day.  As it is, already functional couples put too much
store by it, as if it's a trap or something.

(Ebauchon/164025) An entirely different perspective. I love my wife. I can't imagi...

Ebauchon@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 13:00:00 -0600

An entirely different perspective. I love my wife. I can't imagine not being
with her. And I certainly can't imagine not having my family (wife+me+daughter)
intact. I would fight like hell to keep us together. Fortunately, that isn't a
situation I have ever had to face, nor one I see myself facing. I am more in
love with my wife now (TUFKA Top Of The World if anyone remembers her from long
ago) than I was a decade ago when we were married.

If *you* want the relationship to continue, I would suggest doing any
traditional things you have always done for Valentine's Day. If you normally
send flowers, send flowers. If you normally take her out to a special dinner,
take her out to a special dinner. If you normally cook a spaghetti casserole,
cook a spaghetti casserole.

As far as something from the children, that is a definite yes. Parents should
NEVER get their children involved in a battle against each other, and as long
as the children are young enough to rely on the opposite parent for gifts, the
parents should both honor the relationship the children have with the other
parent ang provide what is needed for the children to express their love for
the other parent. That includes Mothers/Fathers day, birthday, religious
holidays, Valentine's Day, etc.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164024) non-valentine here - so you're saying don't get my spouse anythi...

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:40:14 -0600

non-valentine here - so you're saying don't get my spouse anything? We do care
for each other, and I'm not expecting anything as far as gifts for myself, but
I would like to say/do something small so that if a reconciliation occurs, it
can't be used against me that "see?  you didn't even get me/do anything for
valentines, so it just proves that you didn't/don't love me" (since not feeling
loved by me was one of our problems). Also, we have kids...should there be
cards or gifts from them, just not from me? we're still living together for now

(Sraosa/164023) Well, you can fight all day to keep someone, but Valentine's Day...

Sraosa@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:00:00 -0600

Well, you can fight all day to keep someone, but Valentine's Day isn't the
time/place/event to do it.  All it's going to do is taint the day for years to
come.  Just let it pass.

(Sparky/164022) Or if your taste runs to the more macabre (and you can carry it ...

Sparky@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:58:00 -0600

Or if your taste runs to the more macabre (and you can carry it off), a nice
black rose.  I would personally never fight to keep someone either.

(Sraosa/164021) I wouldn't. I didn't, the year I got divorced. Don't force it....

Sraosa@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:48:00 -0600

I wouldn't.  I didn't, the year I got divorced.  Don't force it.  Therapy is
the place to work out your hopes that it will work out, not a Valentine's Day
card.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164020) Call me non-valentine> What kind of valentine do you get for you...

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:50:14 -0600

Call me non-valentine> What kind of valentine do you get for your spouse if
you're pretty sure you're going to get a divorce, but are also personally
hoping your spouse might reconsider and you could work things out?

(Artemis/164019) Job loss lady/couple>

Artemis@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 06:11:00 -0600

Job loss lady/couple>
if you are marrying her, they talking about finances is something you both have
to learn to do. So why not make a time to sit down and talk about the options
and make a plan where you can both lay out your expectations? At 7am when she's
crying that she hates her job, is not the time to do that. Nor is when she just
walks in the door. She needs to understand the financial concerns you have, and
you need to sit down and lay out incomes, bills and everything to figure out IF
she can afford to quit even for a while before she lines up something else.
I quit my job 2.5 years ago, and I haven't gone back to work, but I stay home
with the kids, so that was the plan. I'll go back to work eventually but
daycare was eating up almost my whole salary so there was no point to the
scheduling and stress we had from my job. Even with the initial "omg our income
was just cut in half" the lack of stress was so much better for our marriage.
Anyhow, if you don't want to sound like a jerk, then you need to avoid the
discussion about it when she's emotional about going to and from work. Set
aside a time on a day off/weekend when you can both sit down and figure it out.
It does no good for the relationship for her to quit a stressful job only to
leave you stressing on your own about finances.

(Cold Fusion/164018) KP> She has been looked at for depresssion, etc. The thing is h...

Cold Fusion@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 06:04:00 -0600

KP> She has been looked at for depresssion, etc.  The thing is her actions are
the same as the rest of her family and her brothers and mother do teh same
stuff.  It drives the spouses crazy!

My wife and I went through a lot of stuff together throughout our marriage.  I
think she keeps a lot of it in and she just won't talk to me about stuff and
just isn't interested in anything that has to do with me.  I am totally
interested in what she does at work, how her day went, etc. but she keeps the
answers very short and tries to stop the conversation.

My wife has PCOS so getting pregnant was hard but we are fortunate and have two
wonderful children.  One of the side effects of PCOS is owman get sometimes get
some facial hair...not much, but some.  It has always bothered her but I never
said anything because I wanted her to make the decision if she wanted to do
something about it and I never cared because I love her just the same.

So she made an appointment to go to a place to have the hair removed with laser
treatments.  They told her it could take between 3 - 10 times depending how how
she responded to it.  I was excited for her and we had flex money put aside so
nothing came out of pocket.  All she had to do was make the appointments and
go.

Yep, she went to 3 and just stopped cold.  I asked if they were done and got no
response.  I asked if she had more to do and agian no response.  This is what
she does though.  She won't follow through or finish and it is almost like she
fights herself and is passive aggressive with herself for no good reason.  I
still have no idea why so I even called teh doctor and asked what happeend and
they haev no idea either.  They said things were going well and all the sudden
during the third session, she finished, said nothing to no one, paid and left
and that was the last they saw of her.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164017) Resignation here> That's what I've been trying to do. I'm going...

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 06:10:13 -0600

Resignation here> That's what I've been trying to do.  I'm going to talk to my
wireless carrier, as it looks like we might be able to reduce our costs by $20
-$30 per month.  Most other things are constants at the moment due to
contracts.  I will look into cutting other things when those contracts are up.
We won't be in dire straights without her income, but things will be tight
enough that I'll feel stressed.  I like a little padding in life, just in case
it decides to kick me in the nuts.

(Cold Fusion/164016) Sparky> She responds as she usually does which is shutting down ...

Cold Fusion@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 05:32:00 -0600

Sparky> She responds as she usually does which is shutting down whenever there
is conflict.  It frustrates me so I really try to work with her on it and make
sure that I stop and give her time to think and let her have time to respond to
anything.

The thing that bothers me is she says she wants to work on it which would be
great in most cases.  The problme I am seeing is we have had these discussions
for years and she did nothing (and I didn't either) but now is interested
because there is an ultimatum (sp?) on the table.  She should have wanted to
change if she thought it was a problem before and it shouldn't take this to
make the change happen.  Add in I want her to change because she wants to do
it and not because she feels like she has to because that seems like it will
create resentment later on.

I am not blaming her for everything because a relationship is a two way street
and I haven't exactly done my part either and I know that.  I guess I am tired
of always having to lead in almost all situations and then getting told that
when I do lead, she says she has to walk on eggshells around me (which I asked
for some examples because I can't fix what I don't see and I got nothing) but
if I don't lead, it doesn't get done so it puts me in a rock and a hard place.

The problem at this time is she only wants to work on this when push comes to
shove and once it has any semblance of starting to be better, the effort will
stop.  It is just how she has always worked and I don't want to spend every
month doing a "state of the union" with her because then I am going to be
leading again and pushing.  I just wnat to feel like she wants it too and I
don't get that feeling.

What I feel is sad is I feel like I am doing this all for a formality just to
say I tried in my own mind when I feel like it is pretty much over for the most
part.  I guess that makes me a bad person...

(Karma Police/164015) Cold Fusion> Has your wife ever seen a doctor to be evaluated fo...

Karma Police@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 05:18:00 -0600

Cold Fusion> Has your wife ever seen a doctor to be evaluated for Asperger's?
Some of what you are describing sounds like the kinds of relationships my
aspie friends/family have.  Also, you said that you felt relieved after the
conversation and like you could "move on".  Move on how?
-
Resignation> My husband was in a similar situation with his previous job.  It
was just a horrible situation that was making him sick with stress.  It woudl
have been EXTREMELY difficult for us to survive on just my salary, but I told
him that if it got any worse, he should just quit.  Even though he wouldn't
have gotten any unemployment benefits - we'd find a way to make it work.  It
was just too hard seeing him so upset all the time.  Thank god he found another
job (a MUCH better one), and it didn't come to that.  He was pretty dead set on
finding another job before quitting.
Even though your girlfriend is stressed out and hates her job, it'd be better
for her to stick it out until she found something else - even part time work. 
The situation sounds like it sucks, but at this point, it doesn't sound
abusive, violent, or discriminatory.  Even with discrimination, she should
probably stick it out long enough to document everything and then find a good
employment lawyer.
If she's quitting regardless, then your way of being supportive is going to
have to be finding ways to cut your household expenses, help her with her
resume and job search, and encourage her to network as much as possible. 
That's about all you can do.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164014) Call me Resignation>

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 04:40:13 -0600

Call me Resignation>

My lady works for an organization with so many politics and inept managers that
she has a stressful job.  I realize all jobs have stress, but when 30-40% is
office politics/drama, and 40-50% is a manager that doesn't understand that
what you do is a specialized skill, and no, not everyone can walk over, push a
button on the scanner, and do the job well.  Also, why doesn't the manager
understand that the best way to utilize my lady's skills is to allow the
specialization.  It would get things done sooo much faster.  Leave the
cataloguing to the cataloguers, rather than have 3 hr meeting after 3 hr
meeting to try and teach the scanners how to do it.  No wonder work isn't
getting done.  They've had literally 6 meetings already this week!

As such, she is now considering resigning her position.  She's convinced they
are trying to train everyone else how to scan in order to eliminate her
position.  Fuck them.  I don't blame her for wanting to quit there.  When she
is crying on the way to or from work on a regular basis, and has to sit on the
edge of the bed in the morning trying to convince herself that she needs to go
to work - taking 5 minutes to do it - this is not a good job for her.

I want her to quit.  I want my girl to stop being so depressed, upset, and
frustrated with life.  I wish she didn't assign so much personal self-worth to
her job.  I mean, yeah, take pride in what you do, but it doesn't make you a
piece of shit if you hate your job.  I want her to be happy again.

What I don't want is her without a job for any length of time.  We need the
income.  Yeah we can "get by" on my income, but it kills our plans of a nice
wedding.  It severely limits our ability to pay down our existing debt.  When I
get, "Can I resign my job today?" and I tell her no, we need to figure out
insurance and this and that, and why not try and start looking for a part-time
job...  And she gets upset/defensive stating that I'm saying that's a
requirement to quit the job, I have to say no, I just think it'd be good to
have another job lined up first, and to start looking if possible.  This
economy is shit.  I don't think she realizes that even though miserable, shes
pretty well off.  She is potentially burning a bridge with working for this
organization again.  I mean, shes leaving in the proper way, so as to be
rehirable, but why would you hire someone again after they leave you stuck in a
lurch?

Fuck me.  :(  Now, I will be stressed until she has a job.  I don't think she
realizes this.  I'm willing to do it and deal with it to get her happy, but I
don't want her thinking she can not actively seek a job in the meantime.  While
I don't think she will do that, what the fuck can I do to help without seeming
like a dick.

Anyway, sorry my post turned into a bit of a rant.  But what can I do to
support her with this bullshit more than I have been doing?  What can I do to
help her look for a new job without seeming to pressure her and be a dick in
"riding her" about looking for a job?  I'm not saying that's the case now, but
I worry that will be her perception.

(Sparky/164013) How did she respond to the discussion? Did she have any (verbal...

Sparky@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:34:00 -0600

How did she respond to the discussion?  Did she have any (verbal) input at all?

(Hessed/164012) As a counselor, I tell my clients they shouldn't "should" on the...

Hessed@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 12:04:00 -0600

As a counselor, I tell my clients they shouldn't "should" on themselves. You
feel how you feel. It makes sense to me that you would feel better. You got out
a lot of things that have been bothering you. That's a big release.

(Cold Fusion/164011) Hey there, I was the one that wrote about wondering if my relati...

Cold Fusion@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 08:51:00 -0600

Hey there, I was the one that wrote about wondering if my relationship was
normal with my wife since we spent no time together and really had nothing in
common, etc.  I just thought I would out myself because it makes it easier to
just call me by my handle.

Anyway, after talking to my wife's SILs (she has two older brothers), the
problem runs with her brothers as well.  They both have similar relationships
with their wives.  It is like they just won't open up or work on the
relationship in general.

I talked to my wife last night about our relationship and I brought up quite a
few things:

- Examples of the passive-aggressive nature that I don't understand
- Why she has no friends (she hangs out with no one, no one goes out with her,
  etc.)
- What could we both do to improve our situation?  Or do we even want to?
- Where have I failed on the relationship?  I didn't want it to be one sided
  because a relationship is something we both need to work on.

The thing is today, I don't feel bad at all about our conversation.  I feel
like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  I just feel ready to move on
and I guess that seems...wrong?  Should I feel differently?

Sorry this is kind of vague...let me know if you need more info.

(Chrisvillegas/164010) Hi, im on my way to forget my ex. I thought she was the one, im ...

Chrisvillegas@rss.iscabbs.com — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 14:39:00 -0600

Hi, im on my way to forget my ex. I thought she was the one, im 33 and lonely.
Of course, i get to have sex with friends but im hollow inside. That ex showed
me feeling loved unconditionally, but also made me feel so much pain with her
cheating. Im on my way to forget about her, it`s hard though but i think that's
the only thing i can do right?. They say love comes and goes, i don't think
that way but hey..shit happens....Thanks for reading..

(Lammam P Yrruf/164009) Yeah she did you the service of showing you why she's not worth ...

Lammam P Yrruf@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 19:12:00 -0600

Yeah she did you the service of showing you why she's not worth your time.

(WORF/164008) Gold digger.

WORF@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:18:00 -0600


Gold digger.

She wants a man to be her sugar daddy.

Pass.

(Miser/164007) Sounds like a needy woman with high expectations. Unless you're...

Miser@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:28:00 -0600

Sounds like a needy woman with high expectations.  Unless you're looking to be
someone's servant every time they have a desire, I'd pass.

Also seems a bit two-faced if she was cordial with you after eating but not
when it came to another date.  Sounds like someone who likes to bottle up
emotions.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164006) Call me BitchBurger

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:30:14 -0600

Call me BitchBurger

This is more of a rant than a request for suggestions, but feel free to
comment.

Met a girl online-dating.  I asked her to "meet for drinks" (and since her
schedule was MUCH more "available" than mine...we met a bit closer to me
distancewise)

We met, had drinks, some small talk...and maybe 10 minutes into the date she
says "I'm hungry! I haven't eaten!" ... a couple of minutes pass...and she
heads to the bar.  Orders/pays for a burger...comes back...and in a few minutes
she is served.  She eats the burger.  We talked, had a good time etc.

Followed-up with her to set up Date2.  She said "NO!" (angry)... I was a bit
surprised, but asked "May I ask why not?"

"YOU MADE ME BUY MY OWN CHEESEBURGER!"


A) I did not MAKE her do anything
B) My invitation was for drinks and we met significantly after any "standard"
meal times
C) I consider it highly rude to try and back-door a meal out of a first "meet
for drinks" date.

I hate the BurgerBitch!

(-- anonymous -- <>/164003) i am not a piece of shit. i am a good person. but there is a ter...

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:10:13 -0600

i am not a piece of shit. i am a good person. but there is a terrible curse on
me that makes everyone see me as a piece of shit and hate me. it especially
affects people who like me and makes them feel terribly conflicted as the curse
urges them to turn against me. i don't know the source of the curse - maybe it
is from a past life - or how to dispel it. :(  Call me cursed.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164002) It's not so much the unplugging from Facebook that would be an i...

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 07:10:14 -0600

It's not so much the unplugging from Facebook that would be an issue. It's the
unplugging from the social stuff.  But yeah, this group is really big, and they
don't usually stop to think about why someone is not going to all of their
various activities anymore.  Most of them are pretty self-involved.

(Tempestas/164001) Announcing you're unplugging on facebook can only cause drama. J...

Tempestas@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 05:10:00 -0600

Announcing you're unplugging on facebook can only cause drama. Just doing it,
chances are, no one will even notice you're taking a break.

(-- anonymous -- <>/164000) This is the married anon with the crush on a friend. It just hit...

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 08:40:18 -0600

This is the married anon with the crush on a friend. It just hit me today that
my spouse and I are the ONLY married couple in this friend group. We hang out
with this group frequently - most of them are a little younger than me and all
of them are either single or dating, but not living together.  I think that's
not making things any easier for me. It's hard to be surrounded with people who
don't understand what it's like to be married and therefore, treat your
marriage like any other relationship.  I think the friend-crush might be having
some boundary issues with me - and unfortunately I've let it get a little out
of hand.  I mean, there's more than that to it, but that's just a realization
I've had.
I really don't know how to shake this except just limited my time with this
group and this person, specifically.  And I need to stop obsessing over every
little thing they post on Facebook, because that's not helping either.  :(
My question is, should I say something like "Hey, I'm going off the grid for
awhile, don't worry, I'm fine" or should I just unplug/start bailing on stuff
and not say anything about it?  I don't want people to think I'm pissed at
them, but I don't want to invite a whole lot of back and forth about it either.

(Karma Police/163999) He wants to know if his marriage is normal. From my perspective,...

Karma Police@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 06:05:00 -0600

He wants to know if his marriage is normal. From my perspective, it is not -
but then again, I really only have insight into my own marriage and the
marriages of some of my close friends/family members.  Not many people I know
have relationships like that and stay married.
I'm not a big fan of co-dependent relationships, but part of what I love about
being married is spending time alone with my spouse. I enjoy his company, we
rarely get bored, and we miss each other if we are not able to see each other
for a few days.  But I do know other couples who require much more alone time
away from their spouses.  The difference is, sometimes these couples DO like to
do couply things and are often affectionate towards each other.  That doesn't
seem to be happening at all in your marriage.

(Chappy/163998) So exactly what is your question? What are you looking for an an...

Chappy@rss.iscabbs.com — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 04:31:00 -0600


So exactly what is your question? What are you looking for an answer for?

(-- anonymous -- <>/163997) You know, counseling may not be a bad idea. It doesn't mean any...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 12:00:13 -0600

You know, counseling may not be a bad idea.  It doesn't mean anything is wrong
with you, your wife or your relationship.  It may just help to generate some
dialogue and bring up anything that might be bothering either of you.  A third
party might also help explain the situation from their perspective and at least
give you a sanity check.

The other, perhaps easier, approach might be to try and find some time for a
vacation where you will be forced to spend time with one another.  Or try
asking her a really deep question about politics, a movie plot, or some subject
she finds interesting--one that makes it difficult to get away with a yes/no
answer.  See what I'm getting at?  Does she work full time?  What is her job? 
If politics aren't her thing, maybe she has something she wants to talk about
that isn't obvious.  Hope this helps..

(-- anonymous -- <>/163996) I actually do most of the cooking so I cook for everyone but whe...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 10:20:22 -0600

I actually do most of the cooking so I cook for everyone but when she cooks
(once to twice a week), it is just for her and the kids.  We all sit down to
dinner together but there is hardly ever any conversation and if I do ask
questions, they are short answers and it ends up just being conversation with
the kids.

I cook all meals except, at most, two per week.  I do the laundry as well for
ourselves and the kids each week.  I do clean half the house and she does the
other half.  I am in charge of all the book keeping and financials.  As far as
outside, I do most of that as well.

I used to believe it was depression but she was checked many times.  Her family
by nature is pretty unmotivated and once they are in a rut, they like just
riding it out and staying there so her behavior isn't unique.  Granted, I know
I am not saint either and everyone here is only getting my side of the story.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163995) Leading your own lives can be completely normal if you keep thin...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 09:50:23 -0600

Leading your own lives can be completely normal if you keep things amicable,
and at least present some semblance of family life to the kids.  Isolating to
the point of unfriendliness would concern me, though.  The part where she only
cooks for herself and the kids, where with not much extra effort, she could for
the whole family, strikes me as odd as well.  You might suggest next time you
have an actual conversation that maybe you can coordinate more family dinners.
Dining together at the end of the day can end up generating more discussion,
and you may find more dialogue between you two, more spontaneously.  Do you
share the house chores?

(-- anonymous -- <>/163994) Okay, I would like to see if this is "normal" or what is going o...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 09:30:35 -0600

Okay, I would like to see if this is "normal" or what is going on so please
hang in there.

My wife and I have been married for 14 years.  We met in college, were good
friends, and during that time we decided to take the next step and go out. 
After dating for quite a while, we decided to get married and now we are both
employed with good jobs, have kids, a house, etc.

About 5 or 6 years ago, I started to notice that our relationship was
different.  Not that it really changed from when we got married or before, but
it seemed different than those around us.  Before I go any further, no, neither
of us are seeing other people or have cheated on each other.

There is no fire or passion and never has been.  It is like we have been just
good friends up until this point and throw in some sex from time to time.  We
don't fight at all but again, I believe it is because we have no passion or
fire for one another.  We are really just friends.

The other thing is we don't do anything with each other by ourselves.  We go
out with friends and hang out together that way and at home, we just have our
own lives, but we never do anything together.  And if we try to do something
together, it just feels like another night out and that there isn't anything
there.

By all practical purposes, we each lead our own lives.  Yes we do stuff with
the kids together but if it just the two of us, nope, we do nothing.  Most
evenings after the kids are in bed we spend it separate rooms watching our own
shows on TV or just doing stuff that we enjoy by ourselves.

Even after we were first married, the next day after we were back from where we
got married, my wife went to a movie with her friend and I jsut stayed home. 
If it doesn't involve the kids or other people, we are pretty much single and
act that way.

I have talked to my wife about it and she doesn't disagree but she is fine with
how it is.  I am not sure if I am or not anymore.  I am not going to leave her
nor do I have any plans to but I do ask myself what else is out there.  Heck if
we are both single, why put ourselves through the emotional, family, and
financial stress of a divorce when we both technically gain nothing right now?

To give you an idea of what things are like:
- We can go several days and the most I can get out of her for conversation is
a yes or no.
- When she cooks, she cooks just for the kids and herself.  It is odd.
- We have game nights with friends and will play games with the kids and she
loves games (or at least says so).  She has told me that she will never play
games iwth me one on one because she just doesn't want to.
- I have tried surprise gifts like flowers, etc. just to spice things up and it
does nothing.

I know that a relationship is supposed to be comfortable, but I question this.
I always felt that I needed to work on the relationship and try to keep it
fresh and fun and keep a little fire going.  She doesn't feel the same way.  Am
I expecting too much here or is this normal?

- Abby Normal (I am a Mel Brooks fan)

(Chappy/163993) Have sex with crush. You'll either be horrbily rejected of you'l...

Chappy@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:07:00 -0600


Have sex with crush. You'll either be horrbily rejected of you'll find out that
once you bite the forbidden fruit it's not nearly as sweet with a bitter after
taste.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163992) Well, telling my spouse that my crush is "hot" might not be the ...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:10:17 -0600

Well, telling my spouse that my crush is "hot" might not be the right approach.
To be honest, my spouse is better looking. In fact, Crush is not exactly "hot".
That's the weird part about all of this.  It's more of a personality thing than
a looks thing - which makes the situation painful.
Not that my spouse has a terrible personality - on the contrary.  I really
don't know what this crush is all about....attention maybe? Crush is a little
more sexually adventurous than spouse, so maybe that has something to do with
it.  I really wish I could figure it out so I could get rid of it.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163991) Of course, if your spouse is not an adult, it could lead to losi...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:10:16 -0600

Of course, if your spouse is not an adult, it could lead to losing both the
relationship and the friendship with Crush.  Tread carefully.

(Egregious/163990) Telling your spouse "wow, Morgan is hot" shouldn't lead to a blo...

Egregious@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:01:00 -0600


Telling your spouse "wow, Morgan is hot" shouldn't lead to a blow-up if you
married an adult.

Unless you start going on about how Morgan is awesome because he/she doesn't
have [insert list of all our spouse's annoying habits].  That probably won't
go over so well.

(Artemis/163989) Sometimes giving it time is all you can do. It does fade, and it...

Artemis@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 05:55:00 -0600

Sometimes giving it time is all you can do. It does fade, and it does get
better. I had a mad crush on a good friend many years ago. He is now engaged to
a friend of mine, i'm thrilled for them, and there is no pain, no jealousy. We
are still friends, in fact the 4 of us hang out whenever we can. There is
obviously something in the other person you find attractable more so than in
your spouse. Is it something you can bring out in your spouse? Is it something
you can use to improve your relationship?

(-- anonymous -- <>/163988) Been there, and it sucks! At this point you can only hope the f...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:00:14 -0600

Been there, and it sucks!  At this point you can only hope the feeling might
fade, or go out of your way to find something about Crush that you would
consider a dealbreaker in a real relationship.  Talking yourself out of
something like that is very hard and I feel for you.

(King Action/163987) I would advise having a sit-down with the spouse and discussing ...

King Action@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 05:52:00 -0600


I would advise having a sit-down with the spouse and discussing the issue.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163986) Looking for some tips on how to get over a big crush on someone ...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 05:40:14 -0600

Looking for some tips on how to get over a big crush on someone that I'm not
supposed to have a crush on.  A few fun facts: I'm married, the crush isn't,
crush is in my group of friends (not easily avoided, but limiting time spent
with crush is possible), and I'm pretty sure the crush is mutual.
I love my spouse and understand that being attracted to other people is normal,
but this one has really gotten under my skin. I value the friendship with Crush
and would like that to continue, but I am having some difficulties.  Actually,
this really hurts a lot.

(Karma Police/163985) Eventually, you will have to forgive (but maybe not forget) the ...

Karma Police@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 08:54:00 -0600

Eventually, you will have to forgive (but maybe not forget) the betrayal and
move forward in order for you to maintain your marriage.  But that time isn't
necessarily right now.  Right now, your husband has to prove that he can earn
back your trust.  Yes, you may have been distant before - it's great that you
can recognize that.  But if his initial response is to run and seek intimate
emotional comfort with another woman, there is a huge HUGE problem here.  Don't
dismiss that because you wish it would all go away.
There's nothing here that can't be fixed, but OMG you need to see a therapist
or a marriage counselor.  Get some objective help, don't try to do this on your
own.  It's not being weak, it's admitting that sometimes smaller problems can
become insurmountable if you let them slide.  It's about having someone to help
you through the hard work so you can trust your husband again.  And so your
husband can trust himself, because it doesn't seem like he can do that right
now.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163984) Cheated>

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 09:40:16 -0600

Cheated>
You might also want to consider getting rid of the internet at home/on
phones/etc.  I went through a similar situation about a year ago, my husband
and I agreed that no internet was the way to go, and it was the best choice we
ever could have made.  Trust me, you can live without it, and it will bring you
closer together in the long run.
--Been There

(Mentat/163983) To anon Cheated:

Mentat@rss.iscabbs.com — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 02:24:00 -0600

To anon Cheated:

First, let me recommend a book, _After the Affair_ by Janis Spring. Even if
actual sexual infidelity hasn't happened, the deeper issues are psychological:
The loss of trust, the self-doubt, etc.

Second, I don't think the situation you have merits divorce. That's the nuclear
option for relationship troubles, and unless you have a truly toxic situation,
I believe it is unwarranted. No one is perfect, and I find it unfortunate that
so many people believe the fairy-tale approach to love and marriage, as if a
good marriage doesn't have its share of problems and conflict.

Remember the saying, "Good judgement comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes from
bad judgement?" It is equally true in relationships. It is less important that
your husband is in this mindset, and more important that he's willing to talk
with you about this. Someone who has extra-marital affairs, but refuses to
discuss them when caught, and has no interest in probing his motivations for
his behavior is someone who worries me. Having the affair (bad judgement) is
less important than learning from it (wisdom).

It sounds like you are doing the right thing by talking about it with him. It
may be scary at times, and anger-inducing at times, and make you feel bad at
how you've behaved, too. With effort, you can probably dig into the underlying
emotions that drive such behavior -- this effort may require the help of a
therapist. Some employers have an Employee Assistance organization for this
sort of thing, and some medical insurance covers such counselling.

If you want to talk in more detail, with confidentiality assured, please get in
touch with me here in Mail>.

(Tempestas/163982) I don't accept the idea that you have to forgive n' forget in an...

Tempestas@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 13:35:00 -0600

I don't accept the idea that you have to forgive n' forget in an instant.
Rainmaker's approach is very dismissive and you'll hear a lot of stupid advice
in these situations. "oh, just get over it" Yeah, uhm. "OK!" I assume your head
has a little more than vapor in it ;) Your guy hid an inappropriate
relationship for more than a day, its going to take more than a day to undo the
damage he did.

You both work to that forgiveness phase... nobody ever has a clue how to get
there. Therapists can help. Even if you don't have health insurance, they'll
work with you- there's some in my area that go as low as 40$ for the hour
session. Any working class family should be able to afford a dozen sessions
over the course of a few months (and if not, shut off that damned cellphone,
seriously, it'll feel good revenge and it takes away a stupid excuse to avoid a
therapist!)

Usually one of the first things a therapist will tell the cheater- he's to
prepare to live a transparent lifestyle for a while. Not because his wife is
his keeper, but she needs to be SHOWN that he's a keeper. Spend time together
and rebuild the relationship, be open to criticism from him, and at some point
loosen the leash long enough to let him hang himself- or be pleasantly
surprised by his loyalty. There's only one way to find out, and that's random
cellphone/email/text/IM searches. As you're reassured, the desire to search for
evidence goes away and you forgive the guy.

#2- Don't mix other situations onto your husband. The little black cloud that
lives over your head lives over mine, too. I don't blame my mother for my flat
tires this morning. It doesn't make sense. Likewise, you don't wanna blame your
husband because your job sucked. Jobs aren't lifelong committments.
If your black cloud is invading your life, it might be a depression or
something, and at the very least, you might want to pick up a self-help book or
take 2-4 visits to a therapist in the next couple months just for your own
problems. Most therapists will push for a 1x/week schedule, but really for me
and a couple of my close friends, the 2x/month is more affordable and just as
effective

(Rainmaker/163981) Either get over it or don't. If you don't - move on. Seriously...

Rainmaker@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 13:03:00 -0600

Either get over it or don't.  If you don't - move on.  Seriously...every woman
is going to seem like a potential cheat now.  And guess what - they are.  He
can plug into any woman who will have him if he really wants to.

So...either accept that shit happened and let it go...or...do both of you a
favor and buy some moving boxes.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163980) cheated here - I thought me and my dh were on the road to recove...

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 09:21:46 -0600

cheated here - I thought me and my dh were on the road to recovery, so to speak
and today a new glitch came up. First of all, in general, how do I regain my
trust in him? How do I ask him to rebuild my trust without it sounding like
it's all on me?

Second, the glitch. His job is transferring him to another location across town
and I just heard a message from a woman from that store (maybe his new store
mgr?) and she said "looking forward to working with you again." I recognized
the name, but asked him, "was she good or bad to work with" and he simply said
what last name she used to go by and something clicked with me. I remember now
they got along great...almost too great.

I believe, with HER, I remember finding messages on our shared cell phone at
that time, where it appeared they, or she, was trying to make plans to have
dinner. I think she treated him like she had a crush on him, so now he gets to
work with her starting next week. UGH. I don't want to be the jealous type, but
its also looking like a pattern. Of course, he's one of those guys that a lot
of girls (in hs) and women (after hs) feel they can confide in but are not
attracted to.

I've almost always trusted him (frankly, it takes too much energy to be
jealous), but part of me doesn't want to be the oblivious fool. I was an
oblivious fool who got jerked around at a job that I dedicated all my time
and energy to, only to laid off with no notice and NOT for good business
reasons like recent layoffs. So, sometimes its hard to trust in ANYTHING that
seems to be going well, for me, at least. I almost always feel like as soon as
I tell myself or others that things are going great, they fall apart.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163979) Cheated> I agree with you 100% While he mightn't have had any p...

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 17:30:14 -0600

Cheated> I agree with you 100%  While he mightn't have had any physical contact
with her, there's still sometimes a level of emotional intimacy that can also
be defined as cheating, and you have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. 
Seems it was caught and confronted at a good time though, where you can more
consciously talk out your thoughts more step by step before things happen.  I
understand that dynamic very well, where one person shuts out and the other has
no recourse.  I have a very closed off husband who is impossible to engage in
discussions that closely involve a person's feelings, and how they can play
into the rationale behind someone's actions.  That does leave you with that
feeling of having no one to talk to or identify with, and once such a person
comes along in any shape or form, it is very easy to latch on to them, however
that be.  Spending any kind of talk time with a person who genuinely feels for
you is rewarding, because at least that one person validates things you see and
feel.  Having even that one person to comisserate with is very comforting, but
it does carry its risks.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163978) cheated again - The last few days, we've drawn exceptionally clo...

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 09:30:14 -0600

cheated again - The last few days, we've drawn exceptionally close, feel like
we've reconnected and made progress. I told him to just out and out tell me if
he sees me shutting down or forming a shell around myself, because I tend to do
that - get depressed, don't want to talk, but just get into a survival mode and
we turn into roommates. I said that I can be understanding of his motives to
talk to someone else because I was inaccessible, but it doesn't excuse his
actions.

Not sure exactly where we are right now. Things seem great, but I warned him
that i don't fully trust him and hoped he could understand that. He's skeptical
of my new-found willingness to pay attention to him. (It really is because we
finally have gotten our bedroom back after years of having babies/kids in a bed
next to us or snuggling up with us). So, I've actually gotten some sleep and
can talk out loud w/o fear of waking a kid, and we've been able to be close
without interruption.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163977) cheated here - Yeah, I got the point that I couldn't take knowin...

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 09:20:14 -0600

cheated here - Yeah, I got the point that I couldn't take knowing what I knew
any longer and one day just before he went to work, I lashed out. Made him feel
terrible at work and I felt terrible for the rest of the day (also had a
horrible evening with other events). When I got home, I knew a conversation
would be hard to start, so I start writing out how I felt and what led me to
blow up at him, intending to just use the document to vent and not give to
him...but I went ahead and emailed it anyway. That's kind of how we've had
discussions in the past because with the kids around, its easier to email, and
THEN discuss our reactions when/if we get time alone.

After he got home, and the kids miraculously stayed in their room and asleep,
we actually had a long talk. I didn't say I wrote down the texts, just what I
remembered seeing and how hurtful it was. Eventually we got around to him
saying it wasn't "nothign like that" (an affair) and that they both just became
close friends, been going through a lot, and supporting each other, and didn't
have others to talk to (I know..no excuse). I asked if it maybe crossed a line
and he admitted it probably did, but it wasn't like they were having phone sex
or anything that intimate. He just didn't want to tell me about her stuff
because her family's wracked with mental illness, she's lost her brother, a son
who was put in foster care because he was a danger to her, husband's a
deadbeat, etc...I simply countered with how would he feel if I was doing the
same.

(King Action/163976) Hessed> So, what happened in your situation?

King Action@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 14:20:00 -0600


Hessed> So, what happened in your situation?

(Hessed/163975) Cheated> The last relationship I was in I found some texts on my...

Hessed@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 12:32:00 -0600

Cheated> The last relationship I was in I found some texts on my exes phone
that were incriminating. I always swore I would not be someone who snooped on
my partner's phone, but alas, I did. Anyhow. I found the texts. I took a few
deep breaths and went into our bedroom. I told him I had done something I
wasn't proud of (reading his texts), but I had and I told him about the texts I
found. I expected him to lash out at me for reading his texts, but he didn't.
We had a civil conversation. I didn't go in there to yell at him. I just said
it all calmly.

I don't think you need to play detective or anything. I think you should talk
to him. You have the evidence you need. Right now you don't know where he is at
in all of this. You are making assumptions. You need to talk to him in order to
make any rational decisions.

Also, I would advise against playing the games of having him thinking you're
leaving if you're not. Be direct. Don't play games. Those don't help anyone.

(Mean Mr Mustard/163974) +1

Mean Mr Mustard@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 05:06:00 -0600

+1

(Chappy/163973) To My Dearest Cheated,

Chappy@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 04:54:00 -0600


To My Dearest Cheated,

Many years ago when I was way more ignorant than I currently am I used to think
that people who went to therapists were weak minded. I have since changed my
outlook on that. I think a therapists is like a coach for life man. Sometimes
we need someone to put things back in perspective for us.

I would suggest seeking out a therapists for you and your spouse. Trust me, you
get a good therapists it makes the goddamn WORLD of difference.

Leaving, confronting and argueing is childish and isn't going to help solve
anything. It will soon become you against him with you both think that the
individual is right.

In my arrogance thinking I had it figured out I didnt. The three hardest things
for anyone to say and mean are "I love you, I'm sorry and I need help."

Once you get those three things mastered life becomes significantly easier to
master.

XOXOXOXO
Chappy

(-- anonymous -- <>/163972) cheated here - Chappy, I know. Lack of paragraphs is a pet peeve...

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 04:50:15 -0600

cheated here - Chappy, I know. Lack of paragraphs is a pet peeve of mine, but I
couldn't remember if the post would end if I hit too many returns.

I just can't help blurting out "you cheating bastard" - How can I not make it
worse by being detective and him having the argument I was spying on him. I
wasn't...I trusted him until I found the phone, thought it was our old phone,
was curious when I saw it charging, and checked to see what the last message I
texted was and found the others.

Part of me needs to make him think I'm about to leave, but he knows I can't
really do that. But I also don't want to get into the rut of him thinking this
can go on under the same roof, like I'll be okay with his outside relationship.
We've both neglected each other (me, because I focus on the kids and don't get
a minute to myself), him because he works hard to keep us afloat (but doesn't
try to have fun with the kids at all whne he is at home). He says he "gets
annoyed with them" but that's because he stays behind aclosed door and only
comes out when they get loud or hit the door with a toy.

It just saddens me that they hardly know him, except as the big bad wolf that
comes out of his cave to tell them to stop. I know he's a kid at heart, so why
wouldn't he want to play with them? I hated growing up walking on eggshells for
fear of angering my dad, but it seems our kids are growing up the same way.

(Chappy/163971) Paragraphs man, paragraphs.

Chappy@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 04:29:00 -0600


Paragraphs man, paragraphs.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163970) cheated here - mostly good ideas, all - thanks. The night I disc...

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 04:30:15 -0600

cheated here - mostly good ideas, all - thanks. The night I discovered the
texts, I wrote them all down on a piece of paper with dates/times as well as
the camera's serial and other id number. I know he texted her once yesterday to
let her know he was home so she could meet him online apparently (I and the
kids were home as wel). Last night after he was sleeping (came home from work,
went straight to his office for 4 hours), I looked and all the messages were
deleted. I looked into sim car readers to use to back up old and delted
messages, but it appears this is a newer phone that I remember us having a few
months ago when we got a prepaid one..but it might be the same. Anyhoo, it
takes a microSD card and he's got a SD/MMC card adapter. I tried the adapter by
itself in my multiple USB card reader, but ti wouldn't read anything.
So...what do I need to do to back up the messages, because i was reading that
newer phones don't have sim cards (this is a newer samsung, with camera on the
back, but doesn't have touch screen like a smartphone).    So far I haven't
told him what I saw, because I figured I'd gather more info to confront him
with. Yes, I know her name now, where she lives (city..not street) and she's
ugly...not sure that's a consolation or not. However, I looked in his emails
yesterday and apparently before he recharged the phone or got a different one,
he did have one message in FB (that copied to his email) way back on Nov 8
mentioning "kisses his shoulder"...so this has been going on awhile.   '
 - For those that say don't pack my bags, I didn't intend to. If anything, I'll
tell him to get his butt out, but for now, having him closer (and FWIW, showing
him I love him the last 2 nights), is more beneficial. He's not planning to
leave ...but I want to get to a point to say "this is is (the overwhelming
evidence) I know, and you need to stop it with her, stop it with WoW, and try
to rebuild my trust, and I will try as well to help our relationship also.

(Chappy/163969) Survival Mode also includes "I don't have a job, I don't have an...

Chappy@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 03:17:00 -0600


Survival Mode also includes "I don't have a job, I don't have any money, if I
walk out how will I eat and who will pay my bills?"

a lot of thought needs to go into a decision like that.

Personally, I would sit down and visit with your husband like an adult. Heck,
you might want to have sex with her too!

(-- anonymous -- <>/163968) CL could be right. There's an ongoing trend of online fantasy r...

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 17:30:14 -0600

CL could be right.  There's an ongoing trend of online fantasy relationships
that are of course, unsettling to the spouse at home.  These can go somewhere
or nowhere, but still, it's something outside the marriage pact which makes it
a violation whether they meet or they don't.  Either way, don't be mum about it
out of politeness.  It will take courage to confront him, but do it.  As the
wife you have a right to know what's going on, and then decide where to go from
there.

(Distant Horizon/163967) I'm no expert, but I'd want to archive the phone AND start think...

Distant Horizon@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 12:39:00 -0600

I'm no expert, but I'd want to archive the phone AND start thinking/acting in
survival mode.  It's an ugly way to be, but I think if divorce is likely (it
might be here), it's best that the other party doesn't see it coming... and if
you wanna come out ahead, you need to figure out a way to pile up money so you
can afford a decent attorney.

Hope things work out ok.

(Rainmaker/163966) Maybe too obvious...have you tried calling the number and seeing...

Rainmaker@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 09:24:00 -0600


Maybe too obvious...have you tried calling the number and seeing who answers? 
Or perhapsw doing *67 and block your number and call..will likely go to VM and
you can hear the greeting?

If you're gonna start down the path of detective work, that seems like a good
basic start.

(Copper Lethe/163965) He's probably got some internet fling with someone he's never me...

Copper Lethe@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 08:48:00 -0600


He's probably got some internet fling with someone he's never met and likely
never will meet.  Talk to him about it before you start packing your bags.

(Chappy/163964) You should try rekindling the fire and figure out why he doesn't...

Chappy@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 08:39:00 -0600


You should try rekindling the fire and figure out why he doesn't want just you.

Could be he isn't getting any at home.

(Miser/163963) Assuming he doesn't just delete them. It might be a good idea t...

Miser@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 08:13:00 -0600

Assuming he doesn't just delete them.  It might be a good idea to archive the
phone somehow before confronting him.  That way you'll have the relevant texts
plus any phone numbers or other evidence you might need later.

(Cerebus/163962) Myself, I would confront him, the texts werent to you, and its o...

Cerebus@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 07:23:00 -0600

Myself, I would confront him, the texts werent to you, and its obvious
somethign is going on, its also evidence should there be a divorce of
infidelity.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163961) call me cheated..)post above). So, shojuld I confront him with t...

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 00:00:16 -0600

call me cheated..)post above). So, shojuld I confront him with the messages,
just out and out ask for a divorce, what?

(-- anonymous -- <>/163960) I'm the only one on isca this time of morning....but after some ...

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 00:00:15 -0600

I'm the only one on isca this time of morning....but after some suspicious
behavior, I just looked at what is supposed to me and my husband's cellphone,
and discovered text messages between him and someone he calls Hon and texted
"love you" "miss you" "kisses" and "see you tonight." The cheatin' bastard.
We're going through a bankruptcy and part of me wondered if he wanted to let
the house go (we are) so he could be freed up. I didn't want to be snoopy, but
now I wonder if I need to go into survival mode and think of myself and my 3
kids only - stockpile what money I can (don't have a job), think of our
belongings as what I want to take..not what WE are going to need...

The "see you tonight" might not be so personal as he has a world of warcraft
account and uses a headset to talk to other players, has mentioned a girl who
knows about cars..and when I did a reverse lookup on the pohne number, it's a
cell registered in Wisconsin, which is where I think she's from. So, in other
words, even though its cheating, I think he me meant he'd talk/see her online
(using a headset that HE bought for me early this year so I could do my job via
skype, when I had a job).

(Endric/163959) At this point he doesn't discuss it with me much anymore. Inste...

Endric@rss.iscabbs.com — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 05:56:00 -0600

At this point he doesn't discuss it with me much anymore.  Instead my mother
tells me how impossible the computer is to use with many pointed looks at my
father.  He then mumbles about how it works fine and he's managed to get
everything functioning.  Of course by this he means he's manually shut down
most of what made Vista different from XP and then manually ends processes
whenever it bogs down.

(Smoke Eater/163958) She only accepted my advice this time because she was desperate ...

Smoke Eater@rss.iscabbs.com — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 12:17:00 -0600

She only accepted my advice this time because she was desperate for an
anti-virus solution.  Apparently, a year ago, when she bought the Norton 360,
the salesperson told her that she was buying a 3 year subscription and she
could install it once per year.

The reality is she was buying three one-year subscriptions for different
computers.

(Lady Vamp/163957) My buddy has similar rules to Endric's. He will help you as long...

Lady Vamp@rss.iscabbs.com — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 06:48:00 -0600

My buddy has similar rules to Endric's. He will help you as long as he does
100% of your tech support. If you let anyone else touch your PC then heis done
helping. I don't blame him.  He will also select your machine for you.
Definitely let your sister wallow. Partial ly accepting advice doesn't work.

(WORF/163956) I have one simple rule with my parents:

WORF@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 14:48:00 -0600


I have one simple rule with my parents:

1) You buy the computer I tell you to buy if you want me to support it.

Mom: Buys what I tell her.
Dad: Buys Dell Gold tech support.

We all win.  :)

(Smoke Eater/163955) Awesome! What's your father's reaction? My sister's trying to ...

Smoke Eater@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 12:28:00 -0600

Awesome!  What's your father's reaction?  My sister's trying to run Vista on a
desktop with 1 Gig.

(Endric/163954) When I do tech support for family members I'm pretty strict on m...

Endric@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 05:18:00 -0600

When I do tech support for family members I'm pretty strict on my rules (I'll
grant you they are all local),  I will either tell them what to buy and how to
install it (but then I'm done), or they can give me the money for what's needed
and I'll do the installation and make sure everything works (but then I'm
done.)

As soon as you choose not to accept my recommendations, or only implement them
in part, I will no longer do anything but laugh and say "I told you so".

My father is the biggest culprit here, he bought a laptop about 4-6 months
after Vista was released.  He asked for suggestions and I told him to buy a
laptop with Windows XP, not Vista.  He ignored me and bought a laptop with 2
gigs of memory with Vista on it.  He of course immediatly had problems since 2
gigs won't run Vista for shit.  I offered to reformat and install XP for him
and he refused.  He's been fighting with that piece of crap ever since and
about every 3-4 months when he complains about something I ask again if he's
ready to reformat he tells me no and I laugh at him and say "good Luck!".

Long story short, tell your sister you really aren't sure what else you can do
to help and wash your hands of it.

(Cenatour/163953) sounds like a typical sister to me

Cenatour@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 03:26:00 -0600

sounds like a typical sister to me

(Smoke Eater/163952) I would gladly accept and pass on the info on how to get 4G of R...

Smoke Eater@rss.iscabbs.com — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 09:48:00 -0600

I would gladly accept and pass on the info on how to get 4G of RAM for $20, but
her computer is an older HP...I'm not sure anymore that the memory can even be
gotten.

But if it *can* happen, that just further emphasizes my point.  She won't
listen to me and yet still wants me to pull her fat out of the fire when she
needs it.

(Copper Lethe/163951) Only in your pricing and OS requirements. You can get 4G of RAM...

Copper Lethe@rss.iscabbs.com — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 09:43:00 -0600


Only in your pricing and OS requirements.  You can get 4G of RAM for $20, and
Vista is typically fine for most people.  It gets complaints, but it aint'
Windows ME.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to be family tech support, though.
It can be a pain in the ass, especially when you work in the industry (I can't
my family to understand that the fact that I'm a unix engineer doesn't mean
that I'm going to be able get their Dell laptop to print).

(Smoke Eater/163950) Sanity check time.

Smoke Eater@rss.iscabbs.com — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 09:25:00 -0600

Sanity check time.

Last time I was in RI, I looked at my sister's computer.  This is Jonette, the
control-freak.

Anyway, I determined what was needed was the following:
1. She needed to spend approximately $25 per gigabyte to bring her system up
from 1GB of RAM to anywhere from 2-4 GB.

2. She needed to stick with the free AVG Antivirus I'd set her up with

3. She needed to light a fire under her husband's ass in order to get that copy
of Windows 7 he said he could get (she's got Vista) and back up her shit and
install Windows 7.

She claimed poverty in refusing to do #1 (and refuses to do so still)
She hasn't done #3 yet either

As far as #2, she blew that off and bought Norton 360.  Now it's expired, and
she called me all in a panic, so I talked her through getting AVG on to her
system ...

Based on frivolous purchases she's made, to include the Norton 360, I don't
want to help her with her computer anymore.  Hell, she could have had at least
2 of the 3GB of RAM bought for what she paid for Norton 360.

am I being unreasonable????

(Endric/163949) Ok, I've finally managed to put together a profile on Match.com....

Endric@rss.iscabbs.com — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 07:51:00 -0600

Ok, I've finally managed to put together a profile on Match.com.  If anyone
would be willing to check it out and offer opinions I'd appreciate it.  I had
to stare at the screen for about 4 hours before I got started, but I think it's
coherent at least.

My user name on Match is "TheWryJest".  Thanks in advance.

(Artemis/163947) It's for the best. I'm sure that doesn't help you from feeling b...

Artemis@rss.iscabbs.com — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 14:34:00 -0500

It's for the best. I'm sure that doesn't help you from feeling bad, but when
your child is born, your child and your wife deserve, and are going to need
your full attention and devotion to them. Having a baby, no matter how much you
want it, is a huge stressor on couples, emotionally, sexually and financially
(and other ways as well.) You won't have time to eat breakfast without your
face falling in the bowl of cereal, much less figure out how to manage another
complex relationship. I don't know your wife at all, but she *may* find herself
feeling differently after she has the baby because she is going to need you
much more than she does right now, and sharing you when she and the baby need
you might not be top of her list at that time.

Her pregnancy and your child's early years are times you will wish you could
return to even if you dedicate your time to them fully. Before you blink twice,
your kid will be in kindergarten, and then slamming the door telling you they
hate you, then driving, and then gone. You deserve to spend that time not
having your feelings, resources and time divided as much as your wife and child
do.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163946) This is "in love with 2" again.

Sun, 09 Oct 2011 14:40:14 -0500

This is "in love with 2" again.
Well, This is really no longer an issue.  She's just now engaged, we discussed
our feelings for each other and are more than happy being great friends and
moving on.  We had a great discussion about her concerns about marrying the
guy that she's with and she thinks they can work out all the issues that make
it dysfunctional right now.

And when I say just now engaged, I'm the 2nd person she told after she
told her mom.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163945) It sucks to have an emotional connection with someone you're cle...

Sun, 09 Oct 2011 06:00:13 -0500

It sucks to have an emotional connection with someone you're clearly not
supposed to engage with that closely.  Yet their company gives you a boost,
you find yourself looking forward to seeing and spending more time with this
person, and they just become vital to your well being.  But you can't have them
and it sucks.  In light of your past history with your wife though, and the
fact you're going through a separate journey together in becoming first time
parents (which will be the onset of innumerable adjustments along with the
joy), I would have to agree with Cenatour's advice.  You've been committed to
this woman, you're both adding a permanent dimension to your lives, and this
other person shouldn't be denied those possibilities down the road as her clock
may start to tick as well.  She will be unsettled and waiting for your call,
anxious to see you at work since your venues are limited, and will probably let
other opportunities pass her by, all while you will remain settled and further
embedded in your arrangement.  Be her friend, but let her go.  Don't put a
strain on your family, and make her miss the boat all at once.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163944) This is "in love with 2"

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 17:50:14 -0500

This is "in love with 2"
Yes, I've considered that and I actually broke off the relationship with her
and contact with her because of it.  She now initiates contact with me.
I may be an asshole in some ways, but I'm not going to turn her away when
she wants to talk to me.

(Cenatour/163943) in love with 2 - you are being a totally selfish asshole. you c...

Cenatour@rss.iscabbs.com — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 17:36:00 -0500

in love with 2 - you are being a totally selfish asshole.  you cant give this
poor woman what she really wants so leave her the fuck alone

(-- anonymous -- <>/163942) This is the previous poster:

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 17:20:14 -0500

This is the previous poster:
call me "in love with 2" :)

I haven't actually told the co-worker that I love her.  She knows that I have
strong feelings for her, but I have avoided using the Love word because I know
that by itself would cause her too much emotional confusion.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163941) I'm not really looking for specific advice, but more or less pos...

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 17:20:14 -0500

I'm not really looking for specific advice, but more or less posting this to
relate my situation and elicit some level of conversation.

I am married, in a relationship with my wife for nearly 20 years and married
for over 10 years.  I love my wife, and we are having a child soon and neither
of us could be happier.  Over the last couple of years, I've met a wonderful
wonderful woman who I started an on the side relationship with, which my wife
does not know because I have not crossed the boundary where our open
relationship requires disclosure.  We haven't had intercourse but have done
alot of other things.  I truly enjoy spending time with this woman, and she is
as much my soulmate as my wife is.  The open relationship between me and my
wife requires that any relationship occurs on my free time only and not on
"our" time together so I am required to come home at night and in general be
with my wife.  Our life together cannot be diminished by our outside
relationships.  It helps that the other woman is a co-worker so we spend
alot of time together anyways.  Both my wife and I have always believed
that monogamy is unnatural as is the notion that people fall in love with one
person.  However, this is the first time I've ever fallen in love with someone
other than my wife since we've been together.  I generally have my guard up
to prevent such complications, but this took me completely off guard.
All I can say is, it sucks.  I spend alot of time with this other woman now but
we are no longer in a physical relationship because she is seeing someone
else, and she is not herself willing to be in an open relationship of her own
plus I can understand that during the initial stages of a new relationship
she doesn't want me as a distraction.  However, she's settling.  Her new guy
is not at all what she wants, in fact, the only thing he is is a guy who's
interested in her and company for her.  She's 30 years old and been through
a few strings of pretty dysfunctional relationships, including the one with me.
She doesn't get any of her emotional and intellectual needs satisfied so she
still turns to me for those things.  I'm her confidant and probably her best
friend now.  She's a recent immigrant so she doesn't know alot of people here.
I guess I'm just finding life a little weird.  I love my wife, I would never
leave her for someone else because she's a part of me and especially since
we are having a kid together, but I also love this other woman incredibly so,
and it's not infatuation; I've known her 2 years and the
feelings just get stronger with time.
The guy she's seeing is also a fairly jealous and controlling guy and so she's
keeping her close friendship with me a secret although he knows about our
physical relationship in the past and knows I am a co-worker.  Both of us
are very much concerned that if she stays with him, there's a strong chance
that he will get in the way of our relationship.
Also, she wants a real relationship, where she can marry someone and have
a family if she chooses to and be with someone and she knows that we can really
never have that together.
I've never wished so much that I could be two different people at one time :)

(Distant Horizon/163940) Holy hell that's a great proposal! You, sir, are a bad ass.

Distant Horizon@rss.iscabbs.com — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 01:49:00 -0500

Holy hell that's a great proposal!  You, sir, are a bad ass.

(Karma Police/163938) Yay! That's a happy Love> story! Good luck with the wedding pla...

Karma Police@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 07:44:00 -0500

Yay! That's a happy Love> story!  Good luck with the wedding planning!  My
advice - ELOPE.

(Smoke Eater/163937) Indeed. Very very nice.

Smoke Eater@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 08:15:00 -0500

Indeed.  Very very nice.

(Chappy/163936) yeah you must have missed that part of fpu about combining debt ...

Chappy@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 08:14:00 -0500


yeah you must have missed that part of fpu about combining debt before you get
married.

(Rainmaker/163935) Well played, sir. Well played.

Rainmaker@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 06:38:00 -0500


Well played, sir.  Well played.

(Mama K/163934) Woohoo!!!!!!!!!

Mama K@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 06:37:00 -0500

Woohoo!!!!!!!!!

(-- anonymous -- <>/163933) Chappy> Actually, she will be helping to pay for the ring. We a...

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 06:40:23 -0500

Chappy> Actually, she will be helping to pay for the ring.  We are attending
Financial Peace University to become debt-free.  In doing so, we have decided
to address it as a couple, and get a headstart on things.  So each of our
individual debts are now ours, as a couples, debts.  As much as it bothers me
for her to see how much I owe on it, I think it's best for us to be on the same
page with all of our debts and knock them all out, bam bam bam!  :D

(-- anonymous -- <>/163932) I basically did my D&B plan. I acquired an empty Xbox box, pack...

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 06:40:22 -0500

I basically did my D&B plan.  I acquired an empty Xbox box, packaged the ring
in the ceramic gift box, wrapped that in bubble wrap, and put that in the box.
I had that in the trunk.  Got to D&B, and it almost got blown with her wanting
to put her purse in the trunk.  After some phone fumbling on my part and her
finally getting her ID out in case she wanted to drink, I got her to hand it to
me to put in and asked her to go put our name down.  With that crisis averted,
we went in and ate dinner.  I had a couple friends joining us - needed someone
there for pictures!

After we ate, she went to go play games, while I went out to charge my phone.
When she was out of sight, I got ahold of the manager.  The one I had spoken
with earlier in the day had left while I was eating.  After I explained my plan
again, he was game.  I went out and got the box, brought it to the door.  He
was waiting there and took it, then walking around the *outside* of the
building, to bring it in the back door!  Talk bout going above and beyond.

After a bit, I went to the Winners Circle (their prize area) to review with the
lady back there as to what I wanted to do.  She was cool with it and understood
her part.

We took a bit of time to get the 1,700 tickets we still needed to get the Xbox.
 After which we tracked down my friend to take pictures of us "finally getting
the Xbox" - for which I was heckled by her, but she had no idea what I planned.
:D

Got into the Winner's Circle, waited our turn, and my girl asked for the Xbox,
once we were up.  She swiped the card, and pulled my box up from behind the
counter.  After taking some time to look up the barcode in her book, etc, I
lifted the box up and said, this feels kind of light...

My girl pointed out the box had an Xbox and a Kinect on it, and that maybe it
was just the Kinect.  I said, no, this says Xbox, but feels light.  The lady
then chimes in, oh you can open it if you'd like.  I agree and take the box
cutter to cut the tape I had put on.  I then asked her to open it.

She did so, and then had a mental disconnect.  She just stared at it for a
moment when she saw the ceramic box.  She later related to me that she
recognized it, but was very confused as to why it was in a box that Dave &
Busters just pulled from behind the counter...  After a moment or two she
recovered, but refused to open it knowing that shennanigans was in progress.  I
pointed out she had to, and that she was holding up the line.  ;)  That got her
to open it, at which point she saw the ring box and started to squee and tear
up at the same time.  She took it out of the box, and cracked open the ring
box, squeed again, and set it on the counter.  I picked it up, dropped to a
knee, and opened it, asking her to marry me.

She had her face have buried in her shirt, a) embarrassed somewhat, b) in shock
as to what was happening, c) realizing that I had asked her.  :)  She nodded
and finally managed to say yes.  I asked for her hand to put it on, and she
gave me her right hand.  I had to ask for her left.

After that, I cleaned up my box, and we got the real Xbox.  She was all giddy
walking out to put them in the car, and stated she had no idea.  She'd figured
I'd wait till our 3rd anniversary in 3 months.  That I'd take her out to a nice
restaurant, and give her a pretty flower with it.  I said, well, that would be
predictable of me...we can't have that and she just laughed.  She had no idea.

So, that's how it went down.  And she absolutely loved it.  She walked out of
the Winner's Circle with a fiance and a Xbox.  :D

- Proposal

(Chappy/163931) easy there smoke eater. i was making a joke based on some of the...

Chappy@rss.iscabbs.com — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 07:17:00 -0500


easy there smoke eater. i was making a joke based on some of the okd threads

(Smoke Eater/163930) So...dish the details...what happened? Oh, and ignore Chappy an...

Smoke Eater@rss.iscabbs.com — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 02:11:00 -0500

So...dish the details...what happened?  Oh, and ignore Chappy and
Rainmaker...thre's always going to be someone who wants to rain on your parade.

(Chappy/163929) did you amke her pay for half the ring? or atleast half the dinn...

Chappy@rss.iscabbs.com — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 00:30:00 -0500


did you amke her pay for half the ring? or atleast half the dinner at dave and
buaters

(-- anonymous -- <>/163928) For those who care, the D&B idea surprised her completely. She ...

Sat, 24 Sep 2011 22:10:16 -0500

For those who care, the D&B idea surprised her completely.  She was shocked and
loved the idea and how sneaky I was with it.  :D :D  Yay for geek love!

(Rainmaker/163926) Throw the ring on the table at dinner. Say "So....ya wanna?" an...

Rainmaker@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 07:28:00 -0500

Throw the ring on the table at dinner.  Say "So....ya wanna?" and see what she
says.

If she says yes, great.  If she says no, then you haven't wasted so much
time/energy on being a lame-o.

OR...go all out and do a flashmob.  Seriously.  That's cool.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163925) Those are all good ideas. I don't know how easy it would be to ...

Fri, 23 Sep 2011 07:30:14 -0500

Those are all good ideas.  I don't know how easy it would be to do the hotel
scene.  And sadly, I've seen more than a few hotels that their TVs wouldn't
support/allow connecting anything to it.  But, buying a game isn't a bad idea -
just in case.  :)

My phone has a nice camera in it, and if she doesn't have hers, she can use
mine to call her family, as I already have their numbers in case of emergency.

I like the idea of having someone else sneak it in, though no way to do that
ahead of time since I'm not there.  But, rather than me bring it back to their
prize booth, I can take it to the manager at the front, let them take it back.
Less obvious that way.

A friend of mine was proposed to in bed after they had been talking a lot and
asking, life-orientated questions, etc...  She seemed to think it was pretty
great.  I don't know.  I just want to make it somewhat memorable.

- Proposal

(Miser/163923) Proposal anon>

Miser@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 06:57:00 -0500

Proposal anon>
I think the D&B idea is pretty cute.  For people that are gamers and not
necessarily outdoor people, it could certainly be a better option.  Here are
some other ideas..

1) Call ahead to the hotel and arrange for flower petals in the bed,
chocolates, wine, or whatever else she may like.  If she feels overwhelmed by
being in public at D&B or the proposal itself, you guys can "escape" to the
hotel.

2) Bring a camera and make sure she has her phone.  She'll probably want to
call family and show off the ring very soon afterward.

3) If you guys are super geeky, bring a game or two to play on your new xbox at
the hotel.  Maybe something with cooperative play..?

Remember that what being unique with your proposal can often make it special
just as much as being romantic.  Don't put too much pressure on yourself or
make it so complicated that it can go wrong.  She's going to love the gesture
any which way it happens.  My proposal was in the kitchen of my (now our) house
but it could've happened on the moon as far as my fiancee was concerned.  :) 
Good luck!

(DesCartes/163922) If you know anybody in Chicago, you could use them as an accompl...

DesCartes@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 07:04:00 -0500

If you know anybody in Chicago, you could use them as an accomplice to plant
the box. That way you don't have to try to sneak it in or something.  (My
brother actually did this sort of thing to propose. He had a friend of his hide
an Easter egg with a ring in it for her to find when they went walking on
Easter.)

(Mean Mr Mustard/163921) I am not a sucker for this kind of thing, and in no way represen...

Mean Mr Mustard@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 06:07:00 -0500

I am not a sucker for this kind of thing, and in no way represent the gooey,
sentimental faction of the proposal cohort.  With that in mind:

Gift box good.  Go for the walk.  Take an umbrella if you think it will rain. 
It's autumn.  Look at leaves and clouds and shit.  Find a fine, pictureque
spot, either in advance or along the way.  Do not forgo a good place in the
hope of a perfect place.  Do it there--add a line from a poem or some other
meaningful reference if you like.

Look.  The Botanical Gardens is better than Dave and Buster's for this sort of
thing.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163920) Call me Proposal...

Fri, 23 Sep 2011 06:10:14 -0500

Call me Proposal...

So Ive purchased a ring and I want to propose to my girlfriend.  We are going
off to the big city tonight.  We are having a 'datenight' kind of thing.  The
plan (as far as she knows) is to go, have dinner at Dave & Busters, and play
games to earn tickets, to win us a Xbox 360.  We are only like 2,000 tickets
away - been working up to it a long time.  Then we are staying in a hotel
overnight.  This is an extra treat since we usually stay with my family when we
are in the area.

I'd like to propose to her either tonight or tomorrow day while in the city.  I
am at a loss as for a good way how.  I'm looking for some interesting ideas
that can be put together pretty quickly, while I'm not in that city (it's about
1.5 hrs away).  Here are my ideas so far...

1) When she had her bday party in July, it was at a paint-your-own-ceramics
place.  I painted a ceramic gift box, maybe bout 4"x4"x4" or so.  In my head, I
wanted to put the ring box in this gift box.  She would recognize it as the one
I painted then, and I thought it would be cool for her to know I was thinking
that far in advance as to what I wanted to do to propose to her.

2) In terms of presenting her the gift box, a friend suggested going to the
Botanical Gardens and sneaking it along in a 'drink bag', then giving it to her
there.  But, it's only partly sunny tomorrow, with a 20% chance of rain, and a
high of 66.  I don't know that she will want to go for a walk.

3) My other idea - and I know some will find this in poor taste - was to try
and acquire a Xbox 360 empty box, pack the gift box with the ring in there,
wrapped in bubble wrap securely, etc.  Sneakily take it with us in the trunk.
Once at D&B, we will separate and do our own thing as we sometimes do.  Then go
back, get it out of the car, and take it in.  Ask them to hold it at the prize
desk.  When we come to 'buy' our Xbox, have them give us this box.  I'll hold
it and be like, wait, this feels light...and ask her to feel it, and then open
it to make sure everythings inside.  She will open it, see the box as she opens
it, prolly start to cry since she'll recognize it, open the box, and see the
ring box.  Take it from her, drop to my knee and propose.

Note, we both really like games, and are geeks bigtime.  I don't know if she/I
will like having a crowd though, as it will be Friday night

4) I have no idea...

I'm at a loss, but this would be a good chance being out of town to do
something different.  Thoughts/ideas?

(Lady Vamp/163919) It's good that you two got on the same page which, in this case,...

Lady Vamp@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 07:47:00 -0500

It's good that you two got on the same page which, in this case, was "The End."
If you aren't on the same page no one is going to be happy. I love how Artemis
and her SO seemed to have been on the same page from jump.  Hopefully, your
next SO & you can start out on the same page.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163917) Cheapskate here>

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 07:30:18 -0500

Cheapskate here>

Had a "discussion" via txt with her about spending etc.  She blew up - turned
out she had about 10 reasons why she "doesn't want to date anymore" ... all
things that were the case (such as my schedule) before we even started dating.


So ... long story short, in this case, it turned out to be for the best that I
called her out - she was willing to keep going out for free-stuff, but when it
looked like she might have to start investing, she wasn't "THAT into me"...
Good riddence.

(Artemis/163916) We always split things from our first date, and even now that we...

Artemis@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 07:22:00 -0500

We always split things from our first date, and even now that we are married.
We didn't always go dutch, but he'd pay, and then next time I'd pay, or I'd pay
for movie and he'd pay for drinks after, or whatever. I just don't think it's
fair for either person to always be paying, unless it's an agreement that both
people came to for whatever reason.

(Lady Vamp/163915) Paying the bill> I think you need to have a specific conversatio...

Lady Vamp@rss.iscabbs.com — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 06:50:00 -0500

Paying the bill> I think you need to have a specific conversation with her
about your philosophy on this. Tell her you're looking to see whether you can
build a partnership and in the long run finances would be shared so might as
well start ASAP. That appears to be your philosophy. Share it outright if that
is the case instead of just letting her assume you're cheap or anything else.
Clearly she only knows that you expect her to pay sometimes but likely not why.

General guidelines vary by region and personal philosophy. My experience is
that if the guy is anything other than a student and does not pay or expects me
to go dutch he's not interested. [This is prior to exclusivity in a
relationship. I don't mind picking up a tab for a significant other
occasionally especially since he would, by that time, know my
philosophy.]Conversely, if I am not interested, I pick up the tab quickly first
or second date because there will not be a third one.  Sometimes that
backfires. It isn't money that makes me like/dislike the guy it is something
else compatibility wise but if he's expecting me to pay on date one or two then
he's telling me that it isn't a date and he isn't courting me.

(Artemis/163914) My situation is a little more extreme, as we were together for m...

Artemis@rss.iscabbs.com — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 05:21:00 -0500

My situation is a little more extreme, as we were together for more than 10
years and had 2 kids. But here it is anyhow. My ex was an on and off alcoholic.
He suffered anxiety and depression as well. Most of the time we were together,
he was sober and our life was mostly normal and decent. He had been through
treatment after his family had him committed about 2 years after we met. His
dad as an alcoholic as well so his mom was familiar at the dealings.

Many years later, he fell off the wagon. He started drinking, and he started
doctor shopping for adderall. I wasn't going to put myself through that with
the kids, so I left. He bad mouthed me to his family because of what he was
going througha nd to cover up what he was doing. I did eventually email his
mother about what was really going on because I didn't want it to cause
problems for the kids. She didn't believe me (even with his extensive history).

Fast forward a year, I had met someone else. My ex lost his job, and lost his
apartment. He moved in with friends. Lowest point in his life. He told his mom
that his job fired him wrongly and he was suing. He told his mom he had a place
to live. Again I went to her, out of concern for his health and wellbeing this
time, and she ignored me. A month later, he died of a drug overdose at the age
of 35.

I still struggle wondering if I could have, or should have done anything
differently. But the bottom line was, the people in his life, will know what is
going on with him if they are honest with themselves. If they are going to
believe him, then there is nothing you can say or do to change their minds.
They are his family, you are not. Going to them may actually make things worse.
Even though I had gone to his family, they did not believe me because of the
lies he told them. Then when he died, they blamed me. It's all out of their own
pain for the life he lived, the life he could have had, and the life he lost.
If you have the ability to make a clean break and just move on, that's what I
would do.

I am forever stuck in dealing with his family, knowing they hate me and blame
me for his death, because we have children. Don't do that to yourself if you
have the choice not to.

(Hessed/163913) Thanks for your advice.

Hessed@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 08:58:00 -0500

Thanks for your advice.

(SilverEdge/163912) Karma> It was a fiance... Hopefully no real financial ties yet,...

SilverEdge@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 07:57:00 -0500

Karma> It was a fiance...  Hopefully no real financial ties yet, if so,
extraction is necessary, but after that, cut ties.  I guess for me, if theres
no connection to his family out of necessity, why would you maintain one?  I'd
feel weird if my ex kept in touch with my mom.  A card maybe for Xmas or
something, but anything else...uh...no.

(Karma Police/163911) If the ex-in laws or the ex is badmouthing you to other people (...

Karma Police@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 06:52:00 -0500

If the ex-in laws or the ex is badmouthing you to other people (friends,
potential employers, current employer, etc), then you have the right to set the
record straight with facts.  If you are very concerned about keeping a good
relationship with your ex-in laws, you could send an email and just say how
wonderful it has been having them in your life and you hope that the pending
divorce doesn't mean that you will never be in contact again.  But otherwise,
if your reputation (beyond the ex-in laws) isn't be tarnished, then you really
ought to just move on.  Feel free to tell your close friends, family, therapist
the truth and just let it be.  His parents don't really want to hear the truth
about their son and while it's nice to think about his well being, that's not
your responsibility anymore.

(SilverEdge/163910) Unless you have a child or something with him...some reason to b...

SilverEdge@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 06:47:00 -0500

Unless you have a child or something with him...some reason to be involved with
his family for a good while, I concur with BDavis, drop it, move on.

Does it matter if they think bad of you if you never really have to deal with
them again?  Cut off ties with your ex once things are all resolved, and then
be done with all of them.

(Rainmaker/163909) A phrase I was told many times as a child "You can lock from a t...

Rainmaker@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 06:24:00 -0500

A phrase I was told many times as a child "You can lock from a thief, but not
from a liar."

They may well know WHY the original marriage broke up, but their "little boy"
ultimately can do no wrong in their eyes.

Even if that's not the case, move on and let someone else worry about him. 
He's someone else's problem now.

(Hessed/163908) I broke up with my fiance about a month ago because he was doing...

Hessed@rss.iscabbs.com — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 01:48:00 -0500

I broke up with my fiance about a month ago because he was doing drugs with
strippers. It was hard, but I am moving forward. Strangely what bothers me th
most is what he told him mother about why we broke up. He told her we were just
too different. I had a really good relationship with his family. My ex-fiance
was married in the past, and his parents have mentioned to me they didn't like
her, and they blame the demise of their marriage on her. I know, though, that
the relationship ended because he was an active alcoholic who cheated on her.
This is by his own admission.

He was in recovery while we were together (until the last couple of months).

So my dilemma is that I REALLY want to tell his mom why we broke up. At first
it was out of concern for him - I wanted someone to know he is up to his old
ways and keep an eye out for him. Then it was out of a sense of revenge. Now
it's that I want to protect my reputation. I fear they will talk trash about me
the way they do about his ex-wife. I really like them, and I don't want them to
think poorly of me. My ex alluded to the fact that he said some not so good
things about me when he was explaining the break up to his mom.

I had a really hard time falling asleep last night and then woke up too early
this morning because I keep thinking about the email I would write her if I was
to tell her the truth.

So what would you do? Would you tell his mom the truth? My friends are all
about me telling her, because they're pissed at him. I'm looking for a more
objective opinion. Thanks so much.

(Danix/163907) I'd assume Cheapskate already banged her, given the Hotel in dat...

Danix@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 07:55:00 -0500

I'd assume Cheapskate already banged her, given the Hotel in date #7 ;)

I usually go on a 50/50 route on the second/third dates, mostly to weed out
gold diggers.

(Cenatour/163906) what about when you organise the next date u tell her to bring m...

Cenatour@rss.iscabbs.com — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 04:39:00 -0500

what about when you organise the next date u tell her to bring money???

(Cerebus/163904) Personally I went by the whoever sets up the date pays sorta thi...

Cerebus@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 16:50:00 -0500

Personally I went by the whoever sets up the date pays sorta thing. Most folks
really by the 3rd or 4th date usually should be offering to pay once in a
while, it shouldnt be a one way street, and if it is and the other person isnt
havign financial issues, I would wonder, a wheres the relationship is
progressing, and b do they have this behavior in other aspects of life.

I am not a cheapskate by far, and even if I want to pay every time, its nice to
have the other person at least offer.

Its a tricky path depending on the person your dating. But really first month
in I would never sweat it too much.

(Karma Police/163903) This is a really tricky situation. What I've done in the past i...

Karma Police@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 07:35:00 -0500

This is a really tricky situation.  What I've done in the past is this: on the
first date, if I asked him, then I paid (and vice versa).  Subsequent dates
I would play it by ear. If he asked me (and it was a place he really wanted to
go to that I couldn't afford), then I would be fine with him paying.  I would
usually follow up with asking him on a date that I could afford, or having him
over for dinner.  If it was a place that we mutually decided upon, I would
offer to pay for my half.  Sometimes the offers were taken, sometimes the guy
would insist on paying anyway.

(Jubilee/163902) Cheapskate> If you'd talked about it, I don't understand why, on...

Jubilee@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 06:58:00 -0500

Cheapskate> If you'd talked about it, I don't understand why, on date #6, you
didn't just say something like, "Well, I'll just go warm up the car while you
pay." Silently waiting for her to do something that she may have completely
forgotten about just makes you resent her and confuses her about why you're
sitting there fuming.

(-- anonymous -- <>/163901) Cheapskate here>

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 07:00:17 -0500

Cheapskate here>

Jubilee - after date #3, we talked and I told her I'd appreciate it if we could
at least take turns.  The immediate date after that discussion, she paid...but
then never again (and some bills I knew would be exceptionally low and made
sure to give her a chance to ask to pay / reach for check, etc. in those
instances to avoid nailing her with "her turn" being a hundred dollar dinner).

Did I need to "suggest" she pay again in the future?

(Jubilee/163900) When I was dating, I often went prepared to pay my own way, most...

Jubilee@rss.iscabbs.com — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 06:44:00 -0500

When I was dating, I often went prepared to pay my own way, mostly if I wasn't
sure if it was a "date" or just two friends hanging out together. My first
boyfriend didn't have a lot of money, so I usually paid. My last boyfriend (the
one before I started dating my now-husband) was never clear about whether he
was paying or it was going to be dutch, and I think he thought I had more money
than I did. My husband has always paid and typically refused to allow me to
pay. I think that it's dependent upon the people, but honestly, if you expect
the girl to pay for half the dates, make that clear right from the start. A lot
of women still think the guy will pay for everything, and it's not that they're
being selfish or wouldn't be happy to pay their own way, it's that they don't
even think of it. The books we grow up reading still portray the financial side
of dating as being the responsibility of the man.